Friday, August 28, 2009

Josie (15)

Saturday

I call you in the morning. It was our plan even before the previous night's conversation. I remind you that I still remembered my promise to not stop talking to you. You had also reminded me of this last night. And now, out of some neurotic need, I was calling you up to see if you wanted to spend the entire day with me. You were only waiting for my call and we spent five hours together and then I dropped you off at work.

I went out for dinner and picked you when work was done. We went over to your place and, while watching TV, you fall asleep on the couch. I went home to my bed to dream about super-fast snakes and unpainted walls.

I woke up at 5 a.m. because of my dreams.


Sunday

I did not call you. You did not call me. I thought about you a hundred times.


Monday (Morning)

I did not call you today. I say to myself, this is to put distance between you and me. In reality, the phrase passive-aggression comes to mind.

At 9:45 a.m. you call from work and say, "I just called to see what you're going to be doing on the job front today?"

In doing this you are honouring yet another incidental pact between us: I asked you to be my task master on job finding two weeks ago. I stop you after you initial question and say, "How are you?"

You say, "What?"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Good," I say. "Now ask me."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking."

We laugh. I say, "Now what was your excuse for calling me?" Again, we laugh.

For the rest of the day I walk around uninterested in anything but my thoughts. And I write this in the middle of a mall, in the middle of the day, in the middle of my life, in the middle of all this that I have felt before and still have not learned to deal with.

Part of our conversation amounted to you continuing to build bridges into my life. For one thing: You called. You mentioned your answering machine and I tell you to walk up Yonge St. and buy a used machine. You say, "You can help me do that when I come back from Trinidad, right?"

You tell me you're working tonight from six to 9 p.m. Why? Why tell me? I don't want to know. No longer want to know; 'Cause when you find a boy-friend I'll be left standing like a deer caught in the beams of an oncoming car. Stunted.

Monday (Night)

Tonight, chocolate is the great comforter. A stand-in for you.

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