Josie (11)

November 23

You called last night. I had left a message on my machine saying I wasn't at home but could be reached at such and such a number. And I didn't expect you to call...and you did! What does this mean? Who are you? What do you want? What am I doing here? What?

I couldn't talk freely or even make small talk. I was completely dumbfounded by your call -- dumbfounded and uncomfortable. Our call lasted all of two minutes -- if even that.

I want to call you today. I tried once already, at your work. You voice mail picked up, I hung up. I need to be held by you.

3 p.m.

Came home to find a very formally worded message from you asking if I would like to go to the ballet with you tonight. You got tickets through work. I, unfortunately, had plans to go to the movies with a friend and after some soul searching, decided not to cancel out on him. The last time I cancelled on a friend, I had to deal with her anger and my guilt.

You insisted and then said, "Okay, well, I'm not going to beg you."

You spoke about Peter: How he's so handsome, how the girls in the office think he's very (your emphasis) handsome, and how you're very lucky that he asked you out.

God damn Peter.

12:43 a.m.

Just hung up. You've told me you are not interested in a relationship. This, after I made the bold decision to read to you the "I haven't ever" list. What the hell, I thought to myself. How could things get any worse than they already are? And then they did.

You tell me, I'm on a completely different plane. That one of us is going to end up getting hurt and angry. Could you possibly mean me?

We end the call by flirting. You tell me you could use a massage. I say, "Are you asking me?"

You say, "Yeah, jump in your car and come over."

I've already told you at this point that there are two of you. There's the practical, calculating you and there's the other you. I suppose, once every seven years, you explode in a fit of emotional and sexual energies; am I catching you at the right moment? 'Damn it Spock, can't you at least try to pretend you're human!'

Two up, three down. Two up, one down.

I really don't think we're on different planes. I just happen to be at the front and you're at the back. But we're both flying the same friendly skies.

11:05 p.m.

You haven't called me, so I imagine you're talking to your newest suitor...negotiating for a comfortable liaison.

11:35 p.m.

I called you, after some soul searching, only to learn that you ended up watching T.V. and fell asleep on the couch. And, the truer truth: You were waiting for a call from Peter. He didn't call, you felt sad and hurt and didn't want to talk to me 'cause it's the way you are: Too worried to show your hurt or sorrow. Perhaps a little embarrassed to be wearing my shoes.

I write a poem for you and plan on sending you flowers tomorrow morning. I think this is a good idea because it is the way I am.

Flower Power

In our talk of the other day
You seemed sad and far away

Remember, we all know this emptiness
It does the soul good to confess

And just so it won't be fatal
Or come close to being coital

I send you these stems and flowers
Trust each secret word to their powers