Losses

Note: Written October 2008, while I was working with Durham Mental Health Services:

I have been working in the social service sector for a long time. Currently, I am a case manager for people with mental health concerns. I have often met clients whom I have found to be personally likable. More often than not the clients who have given me the hardest time, posed the biggest challenges, were the ones I ended up investing a lot of my energy in and working the hardest for.

About a month ago, I met a lady who shuffled slowly with her dog on a leash. Her eyes were dull and her face was free from any affect. When she spoke, she spoke quietly and cried at every one of our meetings. She had just moved into the area for which I am responsible and we naturally circled each other: Me, wondering if she could use my support or if she even wanted my support; Her, eyeing me once in a while...not knowing who I was and why I was in the area so often.

I only knew "Barb" for all of a month....maybe 4-5 meetings. Her apartment lacked a bedroom, had a small kitchen and a small bath with the bed, kitchen table and love seat in the one main room -- a bachelor. A dreary, dark bachelor with virtually nothing to recommend it except that it had 4 walls and a roof and the rent was cheap.

"Barb" died last Friday. Alone. In her bathroom. Probably due to a fall.

I have known a few clients whom I have worked with and who have died;  Never have I felt a sense of loss as profound as I felt today. Part of my job is to be able to engage with a client without becoming emotionally tangled in the client's concerns. Indeed, I am almost always working with the goal of discharging the client in mind. Helping but towards independence and not dependence.

"Barb" passed away under circumstances which are not as yet clear to me, and I can't help feeling that I did not do enough to brighten the few moments we had spent together. I can't help feeling that I was only case managing "Barb". We had made an appointment to find a new family doctor, we had made an appointment with her psychiatrist so I could get to know a little bit more about her particular illness. We had talked about accessing funding for a couple of more pieces of furniture. Aside from getting her to fill out a whole bunch of forms and getting to know her a little bit, I did not do much more for her.

"Barb" was sweet, intelligent and had a peculiar insight into her mental illness which made her different from many other clients. I don't think I could have changed the outcome of her passing away...I just regret that I did not show her more kindness.